


thunderstorm beneath my skin

by tamgerime



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Parent Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:14:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27384769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tamgerime/pseuds/tamgerime
Summary: "Remus felt like he had been peeled open and scooped out.The news of his mother’s death fell around him like pouring rain, soaking him to his skin, cold seeping into his bones. He read the owl again and again, as if the words would rearrange themselves and assure him that it was just something he’d made up, that he’d take the train home in two weeks for summer break and his mother would be there, holding her arms open to embrace her son. But they stared back at him from their parchment home, blinking as he traced their ink paths for the thousandth time."When Remus's mother passes away, he tries to hide it from his friends. But the pressure inevitably makes him crack.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 51





	thunderstorm beneath my skin

**Author's Note:**

> hi everyone this is my first fic on ao3!! also kind of my first hurt/comfort thing and i really like how it turned out :-) follow me on tumblr if u want @orangepeelers

Remus felt like he had been peeled open and scooped out.  
The news of his mother’s death fell around him like pouring rain, soaking him to his skin, cold seeping into his bones. He read the owl again and again, as if the words would rearrange themselves and assure him that it was just something he’d made up, that he’d take the train home in two weeks for summer break and his mother would be there, holding her arms open to embrace her son. But they stared back at him from their parchment home, blinking as he traced their ink paths for the thousandth time.  
James cleared his throat. “You alright, mate?”  
Tearing his eyes from the parchment, Remus blinked. The boom of the Great Hall resumed around him, rain evaporating and leaving only mud. But it lingered on his skin, its cool whisper clinging to his robes, frosting his limbs, trapping him with its news.  
James and Peter peered at him from across the table, concern widening their eyes. From next to him, Sirius placed a hand on his, reaching a hand up to tuck Remus’ hair behind his ears. He stared into their faces, eyes so familiar from years of tracing their patterns, yet so foreign in the moment. White noise roared in his brain, drowning out anything else.  
His mother was dead.  
He blinked at them and cleared his throat. “I- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, just uh, just something dad said about the dog. It’s nothing.” The lie clung to his throat, viscous words inching their way out in his small voice.  
James frowned. “Whatever it is, you can tell us. You look pale.”  
Remus shook his head again. “No, no it’s nothing.”  
Sirius carded his fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. “Are you sure? You can-”  
“I’m sure!” Remus snapped, a little louder than necessary. He cleared his throat again, as if the truth would inch its way up and explode out of his mouth, knocking away the frail defenses Remus was setting. “I’m fine. I promise.” He gave them all a wan smile, trying to convince them of his facade.  
James slowly went back to his food, clearly not convinced. “Okay, Moons.”  
Peter opened his mouth, then thought better of what he was going to say and went back to picking at his beef roast. Tears pressed fingers at the back of Remus’ eyes, clawing their way around his throat. He pressed the heel of his palm to the space between his eyebrows. He would not cry. He had two more weeks here. Two weeks where he would pretend everything was fine. Two weeks of pranks and OWLs and a Hogsmeade trip.   
He could make it.  
Few words were exchanged for the rest of dinner. Remus’ outburst had cast a thick curtain around their section of the dining table, making all the noise of students feel far away. Maybe Remus was the only one who could hear it as thunder shook within his skull, all of the memories of his mother soaked and electrified by lightning.  
He would make it.  
He had to.  
As they trudged up to the common room, Sirius laced his fingers through Remus’ and squeezed. Remus offered a dingy gray smile, paled with grief. Sirius looked into his face and squeezed again, asking a question.  
What’s wrong?  
“Tired. Studying for owls, y’know.” Sirius nodded pensively and they stepped through the portrait hole.  
“I think I’ll turn in early tonight.” Please don’t ask me why please don’t ask me why please don’t-  
“Get some rest, Moons. You look like you could use it.” James placed a hand on his shoulder, genuine concern lining his irises.  
Remus just nodded, not trusting his voice. Sirius pulled him gently, but he knew that if he collapsed into his arms the truth would come rolling out, loosened by his warm chest and shoulders. So instead he pulled his arm out of his grip and tried for another grin. “Really tired. Sorry.”  
The brief look of hurt that flickered across Sirius’ face crushed him further, but he schooled it into a warm look of sympathy. “S’alright baby. Goodnight.”  
Remus felt the weight of their stares as he made his way up to their dormitory. He knew his lies weren’t fooling them, but he couldn’t tell them the truth.  
Telling the truth would cement her death into the ground. Each word would be a shovel of dirt above her grave, burying her forever. He couldn’t bear the gravity his words would bring thundering down.  
***  
Remus had gone one week without telling his friends the truth.  
It kept him awake at night, his mother’s face smiling in his dreams before melting into grave dirt, his friends’ concerned frowns, rushing around and around like he was on a merry go round, spinning away helplessly.   
He saw the way they looked at him at mealtimes and in the common room, like they were seeing someone who was terminally ill but couldn’t quite place it. He noticed how Sirius deflated more and more each time he avoided his warm embraces and soft kisses. Remus knew that if he gave into their familiarity, paper body crumpled in Sirius’ arms, he wouldn’t be able to put himself back together. Even now, he saw how he flaked away each day, brilliant paint chipping and leaving dull green-gray.   
They were in the common room now, the only ones doing last minute studying for OWLs. James groaned at his parchment and books, hands flecked with ink as he chewed on the back of his quill. Peter peered at his copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, face utterly perplexed. Next to him, Sirius was ignoring his books and studying Remus, face pensive.  
Remus gave up on reading the same paragraph for the hundredth time, letters treading on the muck in his brain but failing to leave any impression. He made half-hearted eye contact with Sirius, eyes tired from his lack of sleep.  
Sirius smiled brightly, snapped out of his reverie. “Hey, Re.”  
“Hey.” Remus tried for a smile, but his face fell limp from attempting the same expression that had evaded him for a week.  
Sirius made the same face he always did when he knew something was wrong. Remus had memorized it by now, just like he’d memorized the dip in his voice when he asked what was wrong, or the clouds in his gray eyes when they peered at him with concern.  
“How are you?”  
Remus cleared his throat, lie ready to spring out of his mouth. “Fine.”  
“Really, Re. I know something’s wrong.”  
“I told you. I’m fine. How goes the potions work?”  
The perpetual frown on Sirius’ face deepened. “Remus. Please tell me. Maybe I can-”  
“I said I was fucking fine!” He snapped, chips of paint tumbling to the ground around him. “Why won’t you believe me? Why won’t you?” He gestured at their corner, Peter and James now watching closely. “I see the way you all look at me. I’m not made of china. Maybe I’d be fine if you just left me the fuck alone.” Tears burned just beneath the surface of his skin, hot and insistent. A lump formed in his throat, like all the lying he was doing had caused an allergic reaction and now he would asphyxiate to death.  
Sirius wore a wounded expression, words piercing his skin. James reached a hand out. “C’mon, Moons. We just want to know what’s bothering you. Let us help you.”  
Remus looked down at his hand, and back up at his face, features swimming with sympathy. The tears pushing at his eyes were winning their fight. “I- I just- I have to go.”  
Before he could run to his dorm, he felt a hand on his shoulder, pulling him to look back at its owner. Remus felt like a wounded bird, flitting around on broken wings, flailing uselessly.   
“Remus, baby. Please. Please look at me.” Sirius’ raw timbre took all the fight out of Remus. He turned to look at him, really look at him, for the first time in what felt like centuries. From within their stormy depths, his gray eyes offered a lifeline. Something inexpressible by words, something to both drown in and be saved by. An outstretched hand offered to pull him from the edge of the cliff at which he stood, smothered in nothing, and into the arms of his sun and moon.   
In that moment, Remus felt like the world’s most fragile object, exterior shattering to powder, falling around their feet, leaving only a raw wound. His tears came rushing out, floodgates finally crushed by their pressure.  
The outstretched hand yanked him in and held him close, its strength and warmth the only thing keeping the thin walls around Remus standing. He collapsed into Sirius’ arms, loud sobs racking his body as tears streamed down his face and soaked his robes. Sirius rubbed his back and whispered.  
“Oh baby, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, c’mere, c’mon I’ve got you…”  
Being in Sirius’ arms felt like he was drinking water for the first time ever. He still smelled like sandalwood and warm nights spent by the common room fire, his arms still encircled him like they were the safest shelter from storm.  
He whimpered into his chest. “My- my mum, she’s-” the words stuck to his throat, resisting leaving their home from the past week. “She’s gone- she’s dead.”  
Peter and James made quiet noises of surprise. Sirius held him closer, as if he could ward off all bad things by keeping them as close as possible.  
“Oh, Moons. Why didn’t you tell us? You’ve been living this whole week like that?”  
Remus choked through his sobs. “I was- I was afraid that if I told you guys it would be real. I wouldn’t be able to- ignore it anymore.”  
“It’s okay, love. Look, we’re here now-- we’ll always be here for you. Always, baby.” Sirius said the words into his hair as his hands rubbed circles over his back. “You don’t have to be alone. You are never alone.”  
Remus took a shuddering breath, all of their words clinging to his skin, keeping him warm. Sirius could piece him together, hands caring as he placed each fragment into place, holding them so they stayed. With each shuddering breath, he shook a little less, melting into warm arms.   
“We will always remember her, Remus.” James promised.   
Peter offered a soft smile. “She’ll live in our memories.”  
Sirius whispered quietly, just for him. “You will always have her in here.” He tapped his head. “I will always be here to help you pull yourself back up, even if you feel like you can’t. It’s so, so hard. I know it is. But we will share some of the load.”  
And in that moment, Remus knew it hurt now, it would always hurt, but each day, the press on his chest would lessen. The constant storm roaring between his ears would subdue, watering flowers and nourishing greenery.   
He could do it.

**Author's Note:**

> if ur reading this i love u <3


End file.
